On the Road Part 2

Posted on March 18, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

On the Road Part 1 (in case you missed it)

Piper wasn’t interested in helping me with the bags. I’d packed us light on the off chance that Piper wasn’t as cooperative as she could be. Imagine that? We each had one small rolling suitcase. Piper could have easily rolled hers through the airport, but she preferred to watch me struggle. I didn’t have a hand free to hold hers, so I had to resort to annoying nagging as my only parenting tactic. “Piper, come back” “Piper, stay close.” “I’m right here, Piper. Keep up.” “Stay by my side, Piper.” I was hoarse by the time we left the terminal. I wish I’d had one of those kid leashes.

Mommy's Helper The Kid Keeper

No judging here. It was way past both of our bedtimes. We hadn’t had dinner. We weren’t perhaps in the best condition to rent a car and drive out into the Ocala National Forest by ourselves at midnight. We were also suffering from the trauma of airplane bathroom automatic flushers. We could have used a dose of Captain Jack calm.

While I was fumbling with maps in the dark and trying to locate the lights in the rental car, Piper broke out her “guys” in the backseat.

Then she dropped them on the floor one by one and asked me to retrieve them. “Can’t, Piper,” I said, “mommy’s driving. My hands have to stay on the wheel.”

“I saw your hand on the map. That wasn’t on the wheel.”

“True. I did glance at the map, but I can’t reach your toys.”

“But I need my pony. I can’t play this game without Pinky Pie.”

“Pinky Pie will have to wait until we get to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.”

“How far is that?”

I checked the odometer. “87 more miles.”

“Oops. I dropped Pinky Cat. I can’t play this game without Pinky Cat.”

We repeated this conversation about every two miles until, of course, she fell asleep just as we pulled into the Grandma and Grandpa’s driveway. And guess what was waiting on her bed? The holy grail of “guys.”

On the Road Part 1

Posted on March 17, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

Piper sat next to Captain Jack on our flight. He wore a tie with miniature multi-colored planes and metallic wings over his pocket.

Captain Jack has been flying airplanes for 28 years. He flew fighter jets in the Air Force before retiring to a cushy job with Southwest. He was on our flight hopping a ride back to his home after eight hours in the cockpit. Captain Jack and Piper became fast friends. She shared her goldfish. They watched Tangled together. He tried to teach her how to pop her ears during the air pressure. She asked about the coolest cloud he’d ever seen flying. Captain Jack said he’d once seen a dragon cloud battling a knight cloud. Piper asked about 200 more questions, and he answered them all. By the time our flight landed, Piper and I were both a bit enamored with Captain Jack. We hugged him good-bye and watched him walk away down the narrow airport aisle. Then Piper leaned over and said, “Mom, how did Captain Jack fly our plane from all the way back here?”

Piperism Retrospect

Posted on March 10, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

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We’ve been busy here at piperism. I started this blog at the beginning of 2012 on a double dog dare. Why not record some of Piper’s antics and adventures? Why not share her unintentional wisdom? We found that we were telling our favorite piperisms to each other anyway. “Wait until I tell you what Piper said.” “Oh. I’ve got a good one. Listen to this piperism.” The material seemed endless.

So, I began without knowing the end. It’s been a leap of faith for this Virgo who loves a list and plans life much in advance. It’s been a surprise to have so many readers and share so many laughs. I’m grateful you stop by. I hope you stay with us. Piper and I are traveling this week. Just the two of us. I’m putting us both on a technology diet, so piperism might be quiet for a few days. We’ll be back, though, new and improved with fresh stories to tell. See you then.

And to tide you over during our hiatus, here are the top ten piperisms of 2012:

Hold On. We’re Going Gaga

Words You Didn’t Know You Needed

Drunk Dialing or Something Like It

Raising Star Wars Girls

Soulmates

A Rainbow of Fruit Flavors

Piper Ruins Your Lunch

I’ll Raise You a Lalaloopsy

You, Too, Could Win the Prize

Sometimes You Get What You Need Part 2

Cheap Therapy

Posted on March 9, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

I’ve had a lot of arrangements for this mothering business. I’ve stayed home full time with both Sissy and Piper. I’ve worked full time with both Sissy and Piper. I’ve been a full time student and a part-time stay at home mom. I’ve been a full time working at home mom, too. None of it’s easy. All of it has its rewards. Most of it is awesome. All of it is exhausting. So, you can imagine my relief tonight when I returned home from a long day of teaching to find an in house therapist just waiting to fulfill my every need.

What did I order? Tonight I went with the half hour massage chat and a drink. $16 seems reasonable. Sissy sat and took notes while I talked. She may be keeping a file on me. I dearly hope it’s not for her own therapy one day. Piper sort of rubbed at my feet and then played with my hair. I think that was my massage. I sipped a lukewarm cup of chamomile tea. What more could a hard working mom want? When my bill came, I left a nice tip.

Bribery and Other Silly Parenting Tricks

Posted on March 8, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

Back when I was superior parent a.k.a before I actually became one, I thought bribing a child was wrong. What kind of simpleton would be persuaded by a cookie? What loser would sink to the level of buying a child’s behavior?

Baahhhaaahhhhhhhaaaa.

Me. That’s who. And my partner, too. We bribe selectively. Judge all you want.

Piper’s dad made a tofu stir fry for dinner tonight. He’s that kind of guy, and I’m grateful he’s that kind of guy. The girls chose the veggies: carrots, broccoli, celery, red peppers. Piper’s dad wanted them to branch out in the sauce department. Piper and Sissy are tamari/soy sauce kind of girls. They put it on everything. He offered other dipping varieties: peanut, sweet and sour, and plum honey. He even offered them in adorable serving dishes.

Yum, right? Piper said no. He tried reasoning with her. “How do you know what you’ll like if you don’t try something new?” Piper said no. So, he offered them a dollar each to try all three. Money talks in our house. Bribes work. There are lalaloopsys to buy, after all. They tried them. Piper loved the plum honey sauce. Sissy was won over by the sweet and sour. Raucous dipping began. Veggies and tofu disappeared. They each got their dollar. Sissy then moved on to more mature topics than bribing.

“What happens if you rip money?” she asked.

“Money is legal tender. You can get in trouble for destroying it,” Dad said. “Why?”

Cue ripping sound. Piper tore her dollar into two. “Is that true?” she asked, waving the bills in the air.

Dad’s basking in bribery glory was cut short. “Um. I’m going to get some tape.”

If bribery fails to fix it, there’s always tape and super glue.

Life Illustrated Part 4

Posted on March 7, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

You may remember that the Piper isn’t a fan of preschool.

I thought we’d made progress. We’ve moved from screaming fits to benign loathing. Sometimes, though, her discontent at the injustice of daycare seeps through and the truth comes out, even in animal form.

What kind of a writing prompt is that anyway? Poor Kitty.

Need more Life Illustrated? Here’s Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

You, Too, Could Win the Prize

Posted on March 6, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

Let’s play a little game. We’re gamey folks around here. This one is called “Reasons to Wake Up Mommy in the Middle of the Night.” Good luck!

Should you wake up Mommy if your eyes are bleeding?

Ding. Ding. Ding. That’s right. Bleeding out of your eyeballs is definitely a reason to wake up Mommy. You’re doing great!

Should you wake up Mommy if one of your socks slips halfway off of your foot?

Eeeeeehhh. (Imagine it’s a buzzer’s bad sound). This is not a reason to wake up Mommy. You have my permission to reach down into your blankets and to retrieve your own damn sock.

Should you wake up Mommy if one of your 52 stuffed animals falls from the bed to the floor?

Eeeh. Eeeh. Eeeh. That was a close one, wasn’t? Stuffed animal retrieval falls into the same category as sock retrieval. You can handle it without waking up Mommy.

Should you wake up Mommy if your fever is so high that you are hallucinating that your stuffed animals are performing “Singing in the Rain” and you’ve pulled off every piece of clothing, including your socks?

Ding. Ding. Ding. High fevers and hallucination do warrant a Mommy wake up call. Call away.

Should you wake up Mommy to tell her you’d like strawberries with your breakfast?

EEEEEEHHHHH! At this rate you probably won’t get breakfast. The answer is ‘no.’

And your final question.

What happens if you keep waking up Mommy six times a night?

Ding. Ding. Ding. That’s right. You win a grumpy Mommy who passive aggressively blogs about your antics while you’re sleeping. Congratulations!

Sick Kids Suck

Posted on March 5, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

“Mom! My froat hurts!”

Ugh. Either Kathleen Turner is hiding in Piper’s bedroom or we’re headed down the sick path again. The raspy voice. The sweaty forehead. The cuddles from my normally bouncy girl.

“Can you make me my tea?”

One cup of orange spice with 1/4 cup apple juice, a tincture of echinacea, 2 tbsp honey, and 2 ice cubes coming up. With a straw.

Piper assesses how sore her throat is. “It feels like there’s a pretzel stuck in there.” As bad as that sounds it’s not as bad a the time she said she thought she’d swallowed glass. That was the dreaded strep throat. Double ugh.

I check her temperature. Again. I dole out ibuprofen. I wish for the hundredth time I had magic pills to give my kids when they’re sick. I wish I could go through it for them. Piper’s glassy eyes get glassier.

“Will you nap with me?”

Of course, baby. I could use the reserves, too. Who knows how long this will last? I already miss the Piper a.k.a. my squirrel on crack.

Her dad takes her upstairs for a quick bath and brings her back down weepy and wrapped in a towel. “She says you do it better. She just wants you,” he reports.

I warm a bowl of noodle soup. I blow dry her hair while she slurps.

“I know what we need,” I say. “Cherry Garcia. STAT!” Piper nods and takes her medicine.

Games. Games. And More Games.

Posted on March 4, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

We’re gamers. When we don’t have a new game to play, Piper and Sissy invent their own. Piper’s latest dinner time game is called “tell your story.” Here’s how it goes:

Pipe throws out a question like “Who has seen a giraffe?”

We all raise our hands like eager school children. Piper selects one of us.

“Okay. Tell your story.”

She’s a complete dictator of the game. If your giraffe story isn’t interesting, she cuts you off mid-sentence and starts another round. “Enough. Who has been to New York City?”

This afternoon we found a new game. Sissy invented it for us.

The game came complete with a folder and accessories for play.

There were rules, of course. Sissy likes rules.

Piper spent the day nursing a nasty cold, so the game was a welcome distraction. She immediately dug into the notebook so I could dictate her first message.

Dear Sissy,

You’re a good sissy. I’m glad you’re my sissy. I like how you draw houses. I love the bracelet you made me. When I get older, will you take care of me?

Love, Piper

Then we tucked the note into the supplied plastic tube and hid it in Sissy’s room. Piper really couldn’t wait for the whole finding the message thing, though, so she dragged Sissy upstairs and pointed at the tube and then ran off giggling (and coughing).

Sissy wrote back immediately.

The game was a hit with much sneaking between rooms. It was sort of like a message in the bottle, but you didn’t have to wait years for the ocean to bring it to you. I was even rewarded with this:

Awww. Piper confirmed that Sissy’s new game was awesome.

“This is so much better than 60 questions, Mom.”

“Do you mean 20 questions?”

“Whatever,” the dictator said. “Hand me that tube and start writing.”

Moving at a Cupcake’s Pace

Posted on March 3, 2012 by melissa.scholes.young

It can take a Piper upwards of 45 minutes to put on her shoes before school. The stalling is excrutiating. Eating broccoli can be an hour long affair. Writing her name requires multiple bathroom breaks. As frustrating as it can be to get a Piper to do anything she doesn’t want to do, you have to admire her commitment to non-violent resistance. She’s a master. It’s sheer will. But this afternoon when I asked, “Piper, do you want to go with Sissy and her friends for cupcakes?” all I saw was a blur of light I assume was my child speeding out the door. Her shoes were on. Her coat was on. And zipped. She was halfway to the car. Clearly, it’s the cupcakes.

Our local cupcakery won Food Network’s Cupcake Wars shortly after we moved to town. We don’t flatter ourselves to think the two events we’re related, but we’re happy to share in the benefits. It’s become our pilgrimage. When we celebrate, we go to Cake Dreams. When we’ve had bad days, we go to Cake Dreams. When the Dancing Queens perform in their school’s talent show, we go to Cake Dreams.