Piper mostly hates preschool. Not the playground and the crayon thing but the academic thing. If you have a preschooler, you may already know that they are doing long division by the end of the first week. It’s insane. Most of Piper’s classmates have been skilled and drilled since birth. Half of them can already read. Piper can barely write her name. It’s not that she doesn’t have the ability or that she isn’t bright, it’s that we haven’t really put our energy into her four-year-old academics. She’s been busy making mud pies and memorizing Lady Gaga lyrics. Her father has taught her an array of armpit noise pitches. We’re very proud. Every day her teacher sends home a note asking me to work with Piper on her name. I haven’t paid much attention, but I’m pretty sure the note goes like this “Dear Lazy Mom Who Doesn’t Pay Enough Attention to Piper, Please take a few precious moments out of your busy day and work with this poor child on writing her name so that the other kids stop making fun of her on the playground. Thank you.” I know that tone. I’m a teacher, too. So, we work on the name thing. We sit at the kitchen table with brightly colored paper and markers that smell of various fruit flavors. And she does write a name. It’s just not her name. It goes like this:
So, I’m thinking of saving us all the headache and just changing her name. “What do you think of going by Pirppirr?” I ask. Her face is hopeful. “Can I stop doing this then?” “Yep. Back to eating Playdoh and practicing armpit noises.” She happily runs from the table and I begin writing a note to her teacher informing her effective immediately of Piper’s new name. Problem solved.