When Piper doesn’t know a word she does what most of us academics do; she makes it up.  Then she pretends to consult an authority, like leftover marker scribblings on her palm, and confirms that her fake definition is correct.  Soon, we’ve all adopted the word into our own vernacular, and we can’t remember if it’s a piperism or if we’re just blazing new vocabulary trails.  Here are a few words you didn’t know you needed and their proper usage, according to Piper:

Mulgated.  This seems to be an adjective and mostly the negative kind.  As  “This magic wand is so mulgated.  The broccoli didn’t change into chocolate at all.”

Bedrazzled. I assumed incorrectly that when Piper declared me bedrazzled at breakfast it was a compliment somewhere near the awesome Midwestern talent of bedazzling.  Granted I didn’t have my makeup on, but I didn’t think I looked that haggard.  Turns out this one is an attempt at the proper use of “bedraggled” and I didn’t look so pretty after all.

Peanut. You may think you already know this one but you’re probably wrong.  It’s sort of a combo word, a two-for-one special.  Piper says, “Boys stand up when they use the bathroom because of their peanuts.” We’re not sure to which male body part she’s referring and we really don’t want to know.

Tomcats.  According to Piper these require a warning.  As in “Augie, don’t be scared if you see my mom poking her fingers into her eyeballs.  She’s just putting in her tomcats so she can see.”  Meow.

Serleal.  If Piper catches us laughing at her, she demands we stop with a whiney “I’m being serleal!”  We can’t tell if she’s ordering cereal for breakfast or wanting us to take her antics seriously. Either way we can’t stop cracking up.  Hope you can’t either.