Monthly Archives: May 2012

Accident Prone

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In the last 24 hours Piper has accumulated two skin knees, three bumps on her head, one nasty papercut, and a monkey bar “incident” that’s far too gruesome to share in polite company. She plays hard. It shows. We always buy the jumbo pack of band aids.

Tonight she was rubbing an itchy eyeball and worried outloud if maybe she didn’t have pink eye again. “You don’t have pink eye, Piper. You never did,” I told her.

“Justin said I did.”

“Justin’s wrong. You didn’t have pink eye.  Remember I took you to the doctor three hours before our flight and had you checked? The doctor said it wasn’t pink eye.” Which is also what I told Justin’s dad when he hunted me down in the parking lot post holiday to let me know that Piper had spread pink eye to his whole family and ruined their vacation. I assured him that we’d share our germs some day, but we couldn’t take credit for this particular virus.

“Did I get a Zebra pack?” In Piper speak a Zebra pack means Z-pak antibiotics. It’s a mystery to her why the doctor is always mentioning her favorite zoo animal.

“You didn’t need one, P. You didn’t have pink eye.”

“How about a black eye? Do I have one of those?” Piper asked.

“Not right now you don’t.” I knocked on wood for good measure.

“I sure get a lot of black eyes. Wish they had a Zebra pack for those.”

For once, we agree.

Sticks and Stones

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When I picked Piper up from preschool this afternoon she was in a fit of tears because a playmate had called her a name.  It was too awful to repeat, she said, so she just cried on my shoulder and snotted up my sleeve a bit.  Once we got to the car, the truth came out.

“Molly called me a chatterbox!”

“Oh,” I said. I’ve learned the hard way just to listen.

“She said I don’t let anyone else talk at lunch.”

“Huh.”

“I don’t even know what a chatterbox is!”

“Hmm.”

“Mom, do you think I’m a chatterbox?”

“I think you’re wonderful, Piper.”

“Thank you, Mommy. I don’t even like that kind of cheese.”

“Cheese?”

“Chatter. The yellow kind,” Piper clarified. “I like parmesan.”

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Pressing Rewind

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Piper has been trying on a few things lately. Some of them don’t fit. Like backtalking your Mom. It’s a minor misstep. One of her favorite playmates has more success with it than Piper’s experienced. You know what they say: imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Piper just drew a zero tolerance Mom.

After a few minutes in time out today, Piper curled in my arms and said, “Can we go back to yesterday? Yesterday had ice cream and I wasn’t in trouble. Yesterday was better than today.” It’s true, baby.  Sometimes we all need a rewind button.  Or maybe a fast forward one. Or maybe just an ice cream button. That I can probably do.

Duh. It’s My Website.

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When people read piperism, they usually ask me two questions:

1. Does Piper know you’re doing this?

2. Does Sissy wish she had her own blog, too?

Yes, Piper knows all about the blog.  When she does something that makes us all spew our drinks at dinner, she says, “You’re going to blog about this, right?” I usually do.  Tonight at dinner her Sissy prompted her to explain what piperism actually is. Piper rolled her eyes. “Duh. It’s my website.”

No, Sissy doesn’t want her own blog. She’s at that age where blasting her funnies into the universe would be devastating. Preteen privacy is to be respected. Sissy enjoys being a part of the blog, though, but she gives me a thumbs up or a thumbs down on ideas.  She enjoys writing the occasional blog post herself, but since she writes better than me, we had to put a quick end to her contribution. I’m only half kidding.

Last weekend we passed the 20,000 hits mark, so I thought it might be time for a retrospective. Here are the top rated piperisms based on number of views since we began. Hope you enjoy the ride. Feel free to vote for your own in the comments.  I love to hear what laugh made your day a bit lighter.

1. Hold On. We’re Going Gaga

2. Even Sleeping Beauty Stalls

3. Words You Didn’t Know You Needed

4. Drunk Dialing or Something Like It

5. Raising Star Wars Girls

6. Soulmates

7. I’ll Raise You a Lalaloopsy

8. Sometimes You Get What You Need

9. Piper Ruins Your Lunch

10. What We Talk About When We Talk About Love

Thanks for reading!

Comic Love

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We spent some time on the couch Sunday morning catching up on Marvel Comics. Piper’s favorite is the old school show “Spiderman and His Amazing Friends.”

Piper likes to crawl all over the couch pretending to be Spiderman. She shoots webs and scales the ottoman. She peeks behind the furniture for green goblins. Piper’s most interested in the story, though, when the complicated love connection between Firestar and Iceman takes the screen.

This morning she asked, “Dad, I think they like each other. Do you?”

“It’s complicated when a hot girl and a cold boy want to get together,” Dad said.

“Yeah,” Piper agreed. “They could melt each other.”

Civil Disobedience in Your Birthday Suit

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Piper met Gandhi yesterday in Dupont Circle. It’s where he hangs out, apparently.

“Who’s Gandhi, Mom?”

“He was a great leader who fought for justice in India.”

“Gandhi fought?”

“Well, he practiced nonviolence as protest, but it was a way of fighting for his people.”

“How come he’s naked?”

“He’s not naked, P. He’s wearing a simple robe. Gandhi took a vow of poverty so he didn’t have a lot of clothes and stuff.”

Piper stood looking up at Gandhi for a moment.

“I’d like to be like Gandhi,” she said.

“To fight for justice? I’d be proud, Piper.”

“Specially if I could do it naked.”

Carnival Invasion

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Last night we were invited to a Carnival. In our basement. Rosie aka Piper greeted us and guided us through the fun. “I’m the entertainment!” Rosie declared and we followed her lead. She is rather entertaining.

First, we bought our tickets. Sort of.

Since it was our first visit to the Yale Monkey Carnival, my partner and I opted for “one crazy hour.” Rosie aka Piper was a bit bouncy and we weren’t sure we could handle “three wower hours.” That seemed too daunting. When you have a Carnival invade your basement, it’s best to be cordial and escape as soon as possible.

Rosie aka Piper and Sissy were excellent guides and coaches. When we missed throwing the balls into the ball throw, they still cheered us on. I wasn’t very skilled at the ring toss either. Rosie aka Piper kept moving the stick onto which I was supposed to toss the ring. Who can stop bouncing when there is a Carnival in your basement on a Friday night?

After the games, we were offered some “mafreshments.” This turned out to be a fancy tea party, which I have to say I have never had at any other Carnival.  Usually it’s warm funnel cakes with powdered sugar. Mmm. Plastic food was plentiful and we dutifully munched on fake peas and crackers.

I was getting a bit famished and sleepy at the Carnival, so I was very grateful for the next activity.

I even earned “stars” toward prizes for taking a good nap. Now that is my kind of Carnival. It even made up for the inedible “mafreshments.”

After my nap, I was a little disoriented so Rosie aka Piper guided me toward the Help Window.  The attendant wasn’t all that helpful, though.  All she said was “Blah! Blah!” To be honest, I was a little disappointed in the service, but I suppose you get what you pay for, right?

Before we left, we cashed in all the “stars” we’d earned for a prize.

Even after all my poor ring tossing I earned a Lalaloopsy.  That’s my kind of Carnival.

It’s an Alligator Eat Shark World

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Now that Star of the Week is over, we can move on to sorting out the really important things in life. Here’s a backseat conversation between Piper and her Daddy from the ride to ballet:

“Question! Who would win in a fight with an alligator and a shark?” Piper asked.

“Probably an alligator,” Daddy answered. “I think alligators are stronger.”

“But what would they be fighting about anyway?”

“I don’t know, Piper. What would they be fighting about?” Ah, reverse psychology. Nice move, honey.

“You said most people fight about girls or land, Daddy. It’s gotta be a girl.”

“Then the alligator would win the girl from the shark, I suppose.”

“That’s good. Sharks shouldn’t get the girls.”

If you really want to know the outcome, click here to see the actual match of a Crocodile vs Shark.

Passing the Torch

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The Star of the Week Saga has ended in our home. This is how Piper felt about the whole thing:

Excited. Scared. Frantic. Alarmed. You may remember from my post Star of the Flipping Week: Dripping Sarcasm Alert that I felt something similar. Piper worked it out, though. She played their game. Mostly.

When I asked her how the poster presentation went, Piper said, “I whispered. No one could hear me. No one but me.”

Osama Bin Who?

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Piper’s daddy was on TV yesterday morning, but she wasn’t impressed. It takes a lot to impress the Piper. The morning news invited him in to talk about the one year anniversary of Bin Laden’s death. He left the house at 4:30 a.m. while we were all sleeping and was back home in bed by 7:00 a.m. He was snoozing through breakfast and Piper suggested he was just being lazy.

“Daddy sure is sleeping in today. He didn’t even say good morning.”

“Daddy was on the news this morning, P,” I explained. “He had to go to the news station in downtown DC very early. He’s catching up on some sleep now before he has to go to work.”

“TV?” That go her attention. “Why was he on TV?” Piper is always shocked that these people who make her meals and used to change her diapers do anything besides cooking and diapering.

“Let’s see,” I said, opening my laptop.  “Maybe we can watch him.”  I searched through the news site and found what I thought was the video featuring Piper’s dad. It began with a clip of the President.

“Daddy met the President? That is cool!”

“Um. I doubt it. I think he just met the news anchor.”

“Question! Why did they want to talk to daddy anyway?”

“Because daddy studies terrorism and they had questions about it.”

We watched the clip that featured other terrorism experts but Piper’s daddy never came on the screen.

“Guess they didn’t like what he had to say,” Piper concluded. “Sometimes I don’t listen to him either.”

Here is where you can actually watch Piper’s Daddy on TV.