Category Archives: Antics and Adventures

Bath Time

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Piper’s dad has always been in charge of bath time. It’s not a soothing, calming, get ready for sleep ritual.  It’s a play, splash, dump water on the kids time. Dad has a big plastic cup which he empties all over Piper’s head without warning. Much of the water ends up on the floor. We don’t have tear free shampoo nor bubble bath. Piper and Sissy grew up this way. When other kids timidly blew bubbles at swim class, our girls dove in. For better or for worse, this is bath time in our house. Last night I overheard Piper inquiring about his techniques.

“Dad, where did you learn how to give baths?”

“Well, you just kind of figure it out. Also, we took a childbirth class before Sissy was born. They teach you stuff like baths and diapers.”

“This is how they told you to bathe us?”

“I think so.”

“Dad, you might need a refresher course.”

Ahoy, Mate

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Piper likes a good pirate. Who doesn’t? So last weekend when we saw a pirate at our favorite diner, it just made the night a little better.

“Don’t look now,” I said, “but there is a pirate six booths away by the door. Full beard, full makeup, full costume. Yep, that’s a pirate.”

It’s mid December. There are no costume parties in sight. No trick or treating. Santa, elves, reindeer, fine. But pirates?

One by one Piper, Sissy, and Dad leaned over into my line of vision to spy on the pirate.

“Ok. Why is there a pirate on a Saturday night in our favorite diner? Go.”

“Maybe the pirate came to get some fruits and vegetables,” Sissy offered, “you know how you’re always saying that we’ll get scurvy, Mom, if we don’t eat well? Maybe the pirate is afraid of scurvy.”

“I’m going with aliens,” Dad said. “It’s always the aliens.”

“Pirate aliens?”

“For sure.”

“She’s shipwrecked,” Piper said. “That pirate REALLY needs some pancakes. With chocolate chips.”

Dad offered anyone at the table $1 to go over to the pirate and get the real answer. Piper and I jumped out of our seats and sauntered over to the pirate. We pretended we were on our way to the bathroom. Then I blamed it all on Piper.

“Excuse me,” I said, “but my little girl would really like to know why you are dressed like a pirate.”

“Ahoy, mate,” Piper said.

Turns out it was for a college film project. Piper’s story was better.

And now here’s a shameless photo of my favorite pirate. Meow. Piper agrees.

Baby Jesus and His Puppy

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Piper’s dreams are simple: she wants a dog or she wants to be a dog. She also wants chocolate for every meal. Oh, and she wants me permanently attached to her side. Just in case she needs some chocolate.

This morning at our church’s Christmas pageant, one of Piper’s dreams came true. She was transformed into a dog. She got to bark and sleep on stage and generally misbehave. She wore dog ears and a dog nose, which made dog noises when you squeezed it the right way. Just so you know dogs don’t behave just because Baby Jesus decides to make an appearance. Neither did Piper. Fortunately, misbehaving animals were in the script.

The innkeeper’s wife, otherwise known as Sissy, shoed the dogs, donkeys, sheep, etc. out of the barn to make room for Mary and her baby. Sissy called them “filthy animals.” It was in the script. She’s usually not so harsh. Piper the dog understood, even though she’s not used to Sissy speaking to her in such a manner. “It’s ACTING, Mom. I get it.”

Pageant

Gender Trumps

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We had to split teams tonight. Sissy had a violin concert at school scheduled much later than Piper’s bed time. Normally, I’d drag Piper along and juice her up on a sugar high, but she’s fighting a cold and she’s completely off sugar (more on that later).

So, one parent needed to stay home, wash lunch boxes, give a bath, do dinner dishes, etc. and one parent needed to shuttle Sissy and her violin to school and enjoy the concert. I was game for both, but after a long day giving final exams, I was kind of hoping for the home duty. It didn’t work out that way. Dad thought the sisters could rationally work out the split. He was wrong.

“Mom needs to come to the concert,” Sissy said. “She’s always supported my musical career. And she helped me pick out my dress. She gets to come.”

“Mom needs to say home,” Piper said. “No offense, Dad, but I need someone my own gender tonight.”

An Apple a Day. Or Not.

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Sissy did a locker inspection today. It didn’t turn out well for Piper. Sissy told on her after school.

“So I was walking through the hall today and I saw Piper’s coat hanging out of her locker. Being the awesome big sister that I am, I stopped to open the door and tuck in her coat.”

“Sounds like you were spying,” I said.

“Guess what I found?” Sissy reported. “Apples. Rotting apples. In a plastic bag. On her snack shelf. That’s disgusting.”

“I kind of like them,” Piper said. “They’re all brown and mushy.”

“Why do you have rotting apples in your locker?” I had to ask. I couldn’t stop myself.

“You sent them for snack but we didn’t have time to eat snack that day so I keep them there,” Piper explained. Perfectly logical. “It was awhile ago.”

“Why didn’t you throw them away?” I asked.

“They’re cool.”

“Ewww,” Sissy said, “that’s totally gross.”

“I offered them to Daniel, but he didn’t want them.” Giggle, giggle.  “So then I truth or dared Kieron to eat them. He wouldn’t either.”

“What was the truth?”

Piper thought about that. “Okay. I dared and dared Kieron to eat them. He still wouldn’t do it.”

“You need to throw them away, Piper,” I said.

Piper thought some more. “Maybe.”

Royalties

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Piper wants paid. She’s figured out that you like this blog. She doesn’t know what 50,000 hits means but it sounds like an awful lot. Yesterday she demanded royalties.

“Shouldn’t I get paid, you know?” Piper asked. “For the blog? I do provide all of the content.”

“That’s true,” I agreed, “but I don’t get paid.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t charge anything for it. I don’t sell it. And I’ve said ‘no’ to advertisers so far.”

“Whatever,” Piper said, “I should still get paid.”

“In fact,” I added, “I pay for the domain and I pay for the privacy so that word press can’t do anything with my content.”

“Still,” she insisted, “I need money.” Piper doesn’t yet live in logic world.

“How much do you want?” Sissy opened the bidding.

“Five dollars.”

“Sold!” I said.

Piper paused. “I should have asked for more.”

“Yep,” Sissy agreed.

 

 

She’s Making a List. Checking it Twice.

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I took Piper shopping this afternoon for her holiday gifts. She made her list beforehand. It went like this:

1. Daddy

2. Sissy

She was pretty proud of herself for handling the money and the list. First she had to choose between a basket, a cart, or one of those in between basket things on wheels that never roll right. You guessed it.

Piper selected her gifts more carefully. She thought hard about what Daddy might like. She knew exactly what Sissy wanted. I’d share her picks here but those two may read this, you see, and Piper’s whole surprise would be ruined. And she’s trying very hard to keep the gifts a surprise. She’s giving hints, but they mostly go like this:

“Mom, guess what I got you for Christmas?”

“What?”

“A pencil. Yep. I got you a pencil.” Snicker. Snicker.

“Sissy, want to know what I bought for you?”

“Sure.”

“Socks.”

“Really, Piper? Socks?”

“Uh huh. Stinky, dirty socks.” Giggle. Giggle.

Singing Required

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We haven’t yet broken it to Piper that Justin Beaver and Selema Gonez have broken up. Nor have we told her their real names. I’m not sure she even knows that they’re real people. They are just the background chatter on Disney Junior. They’re the beautiful people that you see staring back at you from the cover of People when you’re mom drags you to the grocery store. That doesn’t stop the Justin Beaver and Selema Gonez analogies though.

“Their love is like a volcano with no water,” Piper told the babysitter last night. She may be onto something there. Maybe she knows about the break up after all.

At bath time Piper tipped her toe in the warm water and declared “That water’s hotter than Selema Gonez!” The water cooled. Piper was cleaned. Then she had to get out of the tub. “Well, now I’m as cold as Selema Gomez!” she said, shivering in her towel.

“You know,” Sissy said, “They broke up. Justin and Selena. They aren’t together anymore.”

“Well,” Piper answered, “I’m just going to have to make up a song about that. So there.”

Dog with a Blog

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Piper has a blog. Piper loves dogs. It was really only a matter of time before Disney caught on with its new show “Dog with a Blog.” Guess who loves it? I’ll give you a hint. She’s short. She wears tutus. She makes us laugh every single day.

Wednesday night is Girls Night in our house. We put on our pjs. We order pizza. It’s just Piper, Sissy, and me on the couch. It’s the only time during the week that we watch TV. We usually watch Cupcake Wars, but Piper asked for something different this week.

“I think you’ll like it, Mom. There’s a dog. His name is Stan. You like dogs. Stan talks. You like talking. Oh, and he blogs. You do that, too.”

I have to admit that the odds were in Piper’s favor. And it wasn’t terrible. I’m not saying I liked it. It’s corny in a “Saved by the Bell” kind of way. I’ve seen a lot worse. I’m not endorsing “Dog with a Blog” yet but Piper certainly is. “I wonder if our neighbor dogs blog,” Piper wondered. “I’ll bet that Daisy has something good to say.”