Tag Archives: funny things kids say

Guest Blogger: Sissy

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Sissy is guest blogging today!  Here she is:

During lunch yesterday, Piper made this “very ‘aportant” announcement:

“Okay, everyone. See what I’m saying? After lunch, I will be presenting a lalaloopsy play or show. If you need to go to the bathroom, there’s potty breaks. The show is called ‘My Dream’ because me, Piper, dreamed it. I always wanted a lalaloopsy dream, and now I have one! There will be some sad parts, so stick with me. It will be fad-u-lous! Make sure to come!”

Piper promised a show in the afternoon. After a quick trip to the mall and then dinner, she informed us that the title of the show had miraculously changed to “The Five Little Fairies” and that the lalaloopsies were no longer the stars of the show. A lot can change in 4 hours. But when I reminded her of the show thirty minutes later, she replied in her sassiest voice, “Sissy, after this game! We only have three pigs left!” I didn’t ask her what that meant.

I finally got a five minute play out of her, but then there was yet another distraction. A dance party with Daddy sounded so much more fun.

“What happened to the play?” I asked Piper. “I’ve been waiting all day for the show.”

“Show? What show? We need you at the Dance Party! We can’t sing Firework!” she responded.

Apparently, the show must NOT go on.

Mike and Ike

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To beat the heat, we took the girls to a movie matinee today. Piper asked for a box of Mike and Ike candy, too.

Mike & Ike - original flavors - 6 oz theater box

We said yes. We know how to party. Piper reached inside and started tasting the chewy goodness. “Mmm…this one is strawberry. Yummy. I think this is lemon. I love lemon. And this one,” she said, holding up a lime green candy, “is zucchini.”

Mike & Ike Oriignal Fruits

Hey, Kid, Want a Cigarette?

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I’ve done my best to scare my kids away from smoking. I may have told them a few stories about wrinkles and bad breath. “Mommy, have you ever smoked?” Piper asked.

I haven’t. I could be honest on this one. Whew.

“No. I haven’t smoked, P,” I answered.

“That’s why your skin is so smooth. You’re so pretty,” Piper crooned. I didn’t stop her.

“Thanks, honey. You also must always, always, always wear sunscreen. That keeps away the wrinkles, too.”

“I promise to never smoke and to always wear scumscreen,” Piper said. “You’re skin is so smooth,” she continued, rubbing her tiny palms on my face. “Except for your neck.”

Two Truths and a Lie

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In the pool this afternoon, we taught Piper the game “Two Truths and a Lie.” You’ve probably played some version of it. The rules are rather obvious. Piper caught on quick. Let’s see if you can guess which one is the lie.

“Okay. Okay. I’ve got mine,” Piper said. “I’ve had my face painted a lot and I mean a lot. I got four ant bites at camp. And I have twenty legs.”

Tough, isn’t?

Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

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Piper had her first sleepover last week. It was at Augie’s house. Dreamy, I know.

When I picked her up, I asked about the sleepover success.

“Did you use your best manners, P?” I asked.

“Yep. I was polite, Mom. I really was,” Piper said.

“Did you follow their rules?”

“I did,” Piper answered. “But they don’t have the no jumping on the bed rule. Thank goodness.”

 

Reunited and It Feels So Good

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Piper spent much of yesterday being a baby cheetah with Augie. Their reunion was everything you can imagine: jumping, squealing, rolling around like puppies. They played. They went to the park. They had frozen yogurt. They went to the bathroom together and emerged to inform us all that they’d married. It must have been the romantic hand washing. Here’s a little hand holding, too:

“We’re married now!” Augie announced.

“Too soon! Too soon!” Piper said. Then they ran off together again to be baby cheetahs. Here’s some prowling antics:

“You know I’m famous, don’t you?” Piper asked. “You’ve heard of my blog? Piperism? It’s where Mommy writes down all the funny things I say.”

“Oh,” Augie said, clearly unimpressed, “let’s be baby cheetahs again.”

“Roar!” Piper growled, her humility firmly back intact.

Lovey-Dovey Bound

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You know those videos of kids whose parents surprise them with trips to Disney? The kids scream with delight and bounce up and down with excitement. They hug their parents and swear eternal gratitude. That’s what it was like when we told Piper an hour into our road trip this morning that we were Augie Bound. (See Soulmates and What We Talk About When We Talk About Love for background on the Piper/Augie Lovefest)

“Really, Mom? We get to see Augie! Really?” Piper’s eyes kind of popped out of her head.

“Really. We’re on our way now,” I answered.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How much longer?” Piper asked.

“About 10-”

“-Minutes?” she interrupted

“10 hours.”

20 minutes later she needed another arrival time update. Then Piper began scheming.

“I’m going to ask Augie-in private-if he wants to be my lovey-dovey.”

“Why did you pick Augie?” Dad asked.

“Because he’ll probably say yes.”

“He’s a good guy,” Sissy agreed, “but you might want to wait until you have a better reason to ask someone to be your lovey-dovey.”

“Wait a minute,” Piper said, “aren’t I older than Augie? That won’t work!”

“You’re only a month older, P. I think it will be okay,” I answered.

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re older, too, Mom. Dad doesn’t seem to mind.”

(For the record, I’m four months older. He never lets me forget it, either.)

Queen of Backhanded Compliments

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We had a little celebratory dinner last night in our house. It’s been a big year. Another cross-country move, new schools, new jobs, yet another new home. Sissy received a glowing report card. Piper finally learned to swim. We’ll take any excuse for a party. I let Sissy and Piper plan the menu: pizza, lemonade, salad, fancy miniature pastries. The table was set with superfluous paper umbrellas and paper plates. Candles were lit. We’re fancy.

We took a moment to say what we were grateful for. Piper was thankful we all know our place in the family. “Mommy, I’m glad you keep us doing. That way we never get bored and we get our doing done. Daddy, thanks for not eating the stuff you’re allergic to so that you can make everything fun because when you’re sick, you aren’t fun at all. And, Sissy, your job is to make everyone happy. You always play with me and that makes us all happy.”

Never Leave the Nuts

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Piper has an answer for everything these days. Unfortunately, it’s not the answer you want. When we dropped her dad off at the Metro this morning he kissed her good-bye and wished her a good day. Piper’s answer?

“Dad, remember: Never leave the nuts with the nuts!”

I know. We did a double take, too.

“What?”

“I said: Never leave the nuts with the nuts!”

Sissy came to the rescue.

“It’s from Penguins of Madagascar.The penguins say you shouldn’t leave the food with the squirrels or something like that. It also works for not leaving the good stuff with the crazies.”

Later in the afternoon, I suggested we clean up the playroom.

“Well, Mom. Maybe. But you should never leave the nuts with the nuts, you know,” Piper said.

Piper’s new answer actually works well in many situations. Go ahead. Give it a spin. Let me know how it works for you. Make Piper proud.

Smooth Move

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“Mommy, I like to wake up smooth,” Piper said, crawling beneath the covers on my side of the bed.

“Smooth?” I asked.

“Smooth,” she said. “It goes like this. I get in bed with you. You snuggle me. I snooze a little more. That’s smooth. Then I tell you about my dreams. You snuggle me again. Then you make my hot tea. You tell me about your dreams. Then Daddy and Sissy snuggle me. That’s smooth, too. Then I’m ready for the day.”

This probably explains why we are two hours late most places. Happy but late.