Hey, Kid, Want a Cigarette?

I’ve done my best to scare my kids away from smoking. I may have told them a few stories about wrinkles and bad breath. “Mommy, have you ever smoked?” Piper asked.

I haven’t. I could be honest on this one. Whew.

“No. I haven’t smoked, P,” I answered.

“That’s why your skin is so smooth. You’re so pretty,” Piper crooned. I didn’t stop her.

“Thanks, honey. You also must always, always, always wear sunscreen. That keeps away the wrinkles, too.”

“I promise to never smoke and to always wear scumscreen,” Piper said. “You’re skin is so smooth,” she continued, rubbing her tiny palms on my face. “Except for your neck.”

Division of Powers

I’m home for the summer with my kids. All the time. Every minute. Me and them. That’s it. I’ve always joked that I am a good parent ten hours a day, which means by hour eleven we’re drinking beer and watching Will and Grace on the couch. I’m kidding. Don’t worry, Mom. I’d never let them watch Will and Grace.

We’ve been enjoying the lazy summer days. Sleeping in. Swimming. Playing cards. Doing projects we never get around to during the busy school year. Traveling a lot.  But there never seems to be enough me to go all around. Someone wants more. More of me. They’re never satisfied with my full attention. Yesterday, I said, “How about if I just divide my body? We’ll slice me up and dole out pieces. Then you don’t have to fight over me.”

Without missing a beat, Piper said, “Okay. I want you arms. So you can hold me all the time.”

First Round Draft Pick

“What’s this?” Piper asked, crawling into her dad’s lap as we watched T.V.

“It’s the NBA draft. Want to watch with me?” he answered. He was thrilled to have the company.

“Umm, Dad. Why are we watching the NBA draft?”

“To see where the players go. I like to watch the parents celebrate, too. They’re pretty proud.”

Piper watched quietly for five seconds.

“Umm, Dad. Why are we watching the NBA draft when it’s soooo boring?”

 

Two Truths and a Lie

In the pool this afternoon, we taught Piper the game “Two Truths and a Lie.” You’ve probably played some version of it. The rules are rather obvious. Piper caught on quick. Let’s see if you can guess which one is the lie.

“Okay. Okay. I’ve got mine,” Piper said. “I’ve had my face painted a lot and I mean a lot. I got four ant bites at camp. And I have twenty legs.”

Tough, isn’t?

Monkeys Jumping on the Bed

Piper had her first sleepover last week. It was at Augie’s house. Dreamy, I know.

When I picked her up, I asked about the sleepover success.

“Did you use your best manners, P?” I asked.

“Yep. I was polite, Mom. I really was,” Piper said.

“Did you follow their rules?”

“I did,” Piper answered. “But they don’t have the no jumping on the bed rule. Thank goodness.”

 

Hummingbirds

When I grow up I want to be Mrs. Peterman. She is our 78 year old neighbor in Illinois. She mows her front lawn in her bathing suit, has a halo of picked out brown hair, and always wears full makeup. That’s not necessarily the part I aspire to, but it shows you her spunk.

Mrs. Peterman loves really hard. She breaks out in tears of joy every time she sees you. Then she talks your ear off. Some of it is neighborly gossip: who got new windows, who is or is not mowing enough, who had an unfamiliar car stay the night. She means well, though. And she’ll do anything for you, including flirt shamelessly with the guys from the power company to get your street reconnected first after a storm. Mrs. Peterman also bakes the best chocolate chip cookies in Jackson County. That is not an exaggeration. She wins most of the baking contests in the newspaper. If you’re lucky, she’ll make you her sour cream banana bread, too.

The real reason I want to be Mrs. Peterman when I grow up is her positive light. She smiles and laughs and loves. We stopped by yesterday to pay a surprise visit to our old neighbor.

Mrs. Peterman told us that she’d taken a fall lately. She was on a shopping trip to St. Louis with some girlfriends. She has a lot of girlfriends and a packed social calendar. Anyway, one of her friends, who Mrs. Peterman says is “much older and in worse shape than me,” was leaning on her arm and Mrs. P took a tumble. She was bruised a bit, but she bounced back. When she went to the doctor he said, “Sue, I can tell you’re not a complainer. You’re strong, too” and she said, “Is there another way to be?” Piper gets a kick out of Mrs. P’s stories. I think they’re cut from the same spicy cloth. Mrs. Peterman was one of the first to tell me that Piper just needs to be a Piper. She’s a free spirit and she needs to express it, just like Mrs. P.

During our visit Mrs. Peterman said that the approach of 80 was making her a bit tired. She was entirely surprised by this development. She and Piper share a similar energy level. They look like two hummingbirds chattering and darting about the yard when they’re together. Mrs. P told us that she gets invited to a lot of parties. “They want me there because I bring the party. I am the party,” she said. That sounds just like Piper, doesn’t?

Mrs. Peterman also knows her mind. She has her priorities straight: God, family, friends, yard. Even in 100 degree heat, Mrs. P is painting benches, pruning bushes, and pampering her flowers. “You gotta live,” she said. “I’ll take my health more than all of their wealth.” And that’s why I want to be Mrs. Peterman when I grow up.

Reunited and It Feels So Good

Piper spent much of yesterday being a baby cheetah with Augie. Their reunion was everything you can imagine: jumping, squealing, rolling around like puppies. They played. They went to the park. They had frozen yogurt. They went to the bathroom together and emerged to inform us all that they’d married. It must have been the romantic hand washing. Here’s a little hand holding, too:

“We’re married now!” Augie announced.

“Too soon! Too soon!” Piper said. Then they ran off together again to be baby cheetahs. Here’s some prowling antics:

“You know I’m famous, don’t you?” Piper asked. “You’ve heard of my blog? Piperism? It’s where Mommy writes down all the funny things I say.”

“Oh,” Augie said, clearly unimpressed, “let’s be baby cheetahs again.”

“Roar!” Piper growled, her humility firmly back intact.

Lovey-Dovey Bound

You know those videos of kids whose parents surprise them with trips to Disney? The kids scream with delight and bounce up and down with excitement. They hug their parents and swear eternal gratitude. That’s what it was like when we told Piper an hour into our road trip this morning that we were Augie Bound. (See Soulmates and What We Talk About When We Talk About Love for background on the Piper/Augie Lovefest)

“Really, Mom? We get to see Augie! Really?” Piper’s eyes kind of popped out of her head.

“Really. We’re on our way now,” I answered.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“How much longer?” Piper asked.

“About 10-”

“-Minutes?” she interrupted

“10 hours.”

20 minutes later she needed another arrival time update. Then Piper began scheming.

“I’m going to ask Augie-in private-if he wants to be my lovey-dovey.”

“Why did you pick Augie?” Dad asked.

“Because he’ll probably say yes.”

“He’s a good guy,” Sissy agreed, “but you might want to wait until you have a better reason to ask someone to be your lovey-dovey.”

“Wait a minute,” Piper said, “aren’t I older than Augie? That won’t work!”

“You’re only a month older, P. I think it will be okay,” I answered.

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re older, too, Mom. Dad doesn’t seem to mind.”

(For the record, I’m four months older. He never lets me forget it, either.)

Misbehavin’

My father-in-law sent me this picture yesterday and asked if I remembered the moment.

I can’t say that I do. I know it’s Piper. I think it’s our house in Florida but it could be Illinois, too. I know that she looks around a year old, so we were packing our house. Again. I know I was still nursing her.  I know I’d quit a perfectly good job that I loved to be home with her, which required another cross-country move so that her Daddy could support us. But I don’t really remember. The lean years of juggling babies, bills, and school on graduate student stipends are a blur, mostly. I’m glad for the picture. I’m glad I let Piper drag everything from the cabinets and explore. I’m glad I let her crawl on the dishwasher for fun. I’m really glad she didn’t break it because I know we couldn’t have afforded the repair. I’m glad I was there even if my memory wasn’t.

I asked my partner if he remembered it. He agreed that that time was a blur. “We let her do that?” he asked.

“Apparently, you did,” Sissy agreed.

Piper peered in for a closer inspection. “That baby is misbehaving,” she said. “Where’s her mama?”

I was there. Right there. Even if my mind wasn’t.

Queen of Backhanded Compliments

We had a little celebratory dinner last night in our house. It’s been a big year. Another cross-country move, new schools, new jobs, yet another new home. Sissy received a glowing report card. Piper finally learned to swim. We’ll take any excuse for a party. I let Sissy and Piper plan the menu: pizza, lemonade, salad, fancy miniature pastries. The table was set with superfluous paper umbrellas and paper plates. Candles were lit. We’re fancy.

We took a moment to say what we were grateful for. Piper was thankful we all know our place in the family. “Mommy, I’m glad you keep us doing. That way we never get bored and we get our doing done. Daddy, thanks for not eating the stuff you’re allergic to so that you can make everything fun because when you’re sick, you aren’t fun at all. And, Sissy, your job is to make everyone happy. You always play with me and that makes us all happy.”