Obama | piperism

You have to admit that those presidential debates can be a bit dry. But what if Piper moderated them? That would be worth watching. Here’s why:

10. Everyone would wear tutus.

9. When a response doesn’t make sense, the candidate would have to open fake potato chip cans and release the screaming snake while Piper fact checked them.

8. She’d enforce the rules: No ‘rupting each other. Wait your turn.

7. Mid debate recess break. Wouldn’t everyone be nicer after a few trips down the slide?

6. The water would be in dribble glasses. Parched throat? Help yourself. Snicker. Snicker.

5. Candidates would have to hold hands while debating.

4. Augie gets to ask all the questions from the audience.

3. Bowls of goldfish for snacking. Yum.

2. Time? What time? What’s that?

1. Candidate who farts first, wins.

When you live in DC, you just have to see the White House. Especially when it’s all gussied up for the holidays. We waited months for our background checks to clear and to be assigned a date in December. It was a magical morning. There was a choir singing Christmas carols as we toured the decorated rooms and peered over the velvet ropes into history.

Except that Piper almost got us kicked out. She couldn’t resist all the holiday versions of the First Family’s dog, Bo. She kept leaning over the barriers trying to do this (note her arm caught in action):

As we came around the corner to the last room, Piper broke loose and scrambled under a Christmas tree for a closer inspection. I dragged her out by her silver tights and black patent leather shoes, but she’d already discovered that there was nothing under the Obama’s tree. In a voice much too loud for the occasion, she asked, “How come the President doesn’t have any presents under his tree? Poor guy!”