recess | piperism

Today I observed Piper in her mostly natural habitat: school. First, I went to art class with her. The class was working on self portraits and they were each given a mirror in which to study themselves. “I could just look at myself all day, Mom,” Piper said, gazing longingly at herself.

Piper excelled at observation. She spent most of art class making faces in her mirror and leaping about the room doing her other favorite art activity: sharpening her pencil.

Then we were off to lunch. I got in line behind Piper and carried my Muppets lunch box. It made me very popular. Another mom asked me if I’d packed it myself. I told her I did. I don’t think she was very impressed, though. I didn’t write myself a note like I do for Sissy and Piper but I kind of wish that I had. It would go like this:

Dear Piper’s Mom,

I hope you enjoy lunch with Piper today. You’re awesome!

Love,

Piper’s Mom

At lunch, Piper and I unpacked our food onto our snowman napkins. Then we ate our apples. Then our peppers. Then Piper threw down her whole thermos of pasta fagioli in ten seconds flat. I worked on my carrot sticks. Piper read her note out loud to me.

Dear Piper,

I’m eating lunch with you. I’m right next to you!

Love,

Mom

That cracked us up. We almost got in trouble for laughing. Geez.

Then Piper marched off to recess and waved good bye.

I really, really hope she invites me again.

You have to admit that those presidential debates can be a bit dry. But what if Piper moderated them? That would be worth watching. Here’s why:

10. Everyone would wear tutus.

9. When a response doesn’t make sense, the candidate would have to open fake potato chip cans and release the screaming snake while Piper fact checked them.

8. She’d enforce the rules: No ‘rupting each other. Wait your turn.

7. Mid debate recess break. Wouldn’t everyone be nicer after a few trips down the slide?

6. The water would be in dribble glasses. Parched throat? Help yourself. Snicker. Snicker.

5. Candidates would have to hold hands while debating.

4. Augie gets to ask all the questions from the audience.

3. Bowls of goldfish for snacking. Yum.

2. Time? What time? What’s that?

1. Candidate who farts first, wins.