Whole Foods Hater

Who hates Whole Foods? Piper. She thinks the entire store is conspiring against her. “It’s so cold!” she complained as we shopped. “Why do they make it so cold?”

“I’m guessing because they want to keep the food fresh,” I suggested.

“No. They want me cold. This store hates me.”

“I really don’t think it’s personal, Piper.”

We let Piper and Sissy pick out their own dinners from the food bar. As we were eating, Sissy asked if Piper liked the pizza. “It’s really tasty,” Piper admitted, “but I still don’t like this place.”

“How can you dislike an entire store? Just look at my yummy salad,” Sissy said.

“Whole Foods doesn’t like me either,” Piper said.

“I’m not sure they know you, P”

“Oh, they do.”

“But you hate everything,” Sissy said.

Piper thought for a minute. Then agreed. “That’s true. I do.”

Power Corrupts

The problem with piperism is its intoxicating power. She knows she almost has 30,000 hits. It’s gone to her head. It’s given the Piper a kind of swag previously unseen. If you were in Whole Foods today and you saw a haggard mom and an adorable little blond girl dressed in her crushed velvet emerald green holiday dress (I probably don’t need to explain Piper’s fashion choices at this point, dear reader), you probably witnessed the true corruption of a power like piperism. She knows we find her funny. She can make strangers in the aisle bust a gut. No one can keep a straight face in her presence. It all just encourages her more. Here’s a run down, aisle by aisle, of Piper’s abuse of power.

Fruit and Vegetables: “Mom, those apples look like your boobs!”

Bread Aisle: “Want me to sing the naked song Dad sings every night at bathtime?”

Frozen Foods: “Ice cream! Let’s get ALL of it.”

Dairy: “Jingle bells. Batman smells. Robin laid an egg…

Canned Foods: “Come on, Mom. You don’t need sauce in a jar. You cook just fine.”

Grains: “Ooh. Let’s get some of that whole wheat pasta that helps me poop.”

You get the idea. She’s completely inappropriate. I have no power against it.

I beg you to stop encouraging her. It’s the only way to bring down the dictator.