Sleeping Like a Piper

A Piper can sleep anywhere.  At almost any time of the day. Under most conditions. Napping is her religion, next to piperism, of course. As a baby, Piper was notorious for nodding off at impossible moments.  She once fell asleep on a bench in a noisy museum:

She fell asleep during the Thanksgiving parade amidst all of her screaming cousins:

This afternoon we were cuddled up reading books in our bed, snow had just begun to fall outside, and Piper asked if she could close her eyes for a minute.  “Just for a second,” she promised.  As if her napping is a true burden to me.  “Wake me up in six minutes, okay?” How will I possibly fill my moments? Ten seconds later she was doing this:

Which looks a lot like when she used to do this in our bed on that same pillow:

When a Piper sleeps there is much to drool about. Her heavy breathing sounds like a prank call. The kid is out.  You can turn on the lights, talk in loud voices, and jump on the bed.  I know. Her Sissy has done it all.  Nothing wakes a Piper.

I require the appropriate amount of bedtime reading, a cup of chamomile, two ear plugs, an eye mask, and a fan for white noise to even think about sleeping. It’s not just that Piper doesn’t have to plan a lecture for tomorrow on the impact of feminist poetry as protest (I’ll bet my students will be riveted!), it’s that she’s wired completely different.  This moment, the one where she’s sleepy and happily cuddled up with her mom in bed, is the only one that exists.  She’s my little Buddha.  My mindfulness wake up call.  I could learn a lot from a Piper.

Saving a Little For Myself

There was only one cannoli left.  One creamy, ricotta filled, chocolate wrapped, deep-friend piece of love.

Everyone else had eaten theirs during the Superbowl.  I saved mine.  And brought it out for my own personal dessert the next evening.  Piper sidled up to me immediately.  There was chocolate involved and no body likes the cocoa like the Piper. “Can I have some?” she asked.

“Of course you can,” I said, swallowing a small sigh. I got another fork.

“Wait. What’s in it?” Piper pointed her finger at the gooey ricotta spilling out of the shell.

I seized my opportunity.  If I could turn her off my treat, I could save even more for me. “It’s cheese, honey.  I know you’re not a fan of cheese.”  Hint, hint. Nudge.

My partner called me out immediately.  “Nice, Melissa. Nice.” We’d recently had a battle over my hiding of the bag of Utz Crab chips.  Don’t judge me.  Have you tasted those things? Crunchy, seasoned crack, I tell you.

UTZ The Crab Chip Potato Chip Family Size 4 pack (10.5 oz each)

“What?” I countered. “Piper doesn’t like cheese.  It’s a cheesy treat.”  True. Ricotta is a type of cheese.  A perfectly sweet delicious type of cheese but a cheese nonetheless.

“No thanks,” Piper said.  “Can I have one of the candy nuts?”  My heart pounded a bit harder.  Surely, she wasn’t talking about my Trader Joe’s 73% Dark Belgian Chocolate Covered Almonds.

Organic Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds

“You mean the filberts?” I asked. Now I know that a filbert technically only refers to the hazelnut but Piper doesn’t.

“The what?”

“Filberts.”

“I don’t want a filwhatever.” Then Piper crawled in my lap to watch me eat.

I smiled and enjoyed every bite.  I may be evil but my belly is happy.  And my kids don’t have cavities.  They’ll thank me later.

Competitive Touching

Boredom can be productive. Or not. In our house, when you run out of really good things to fight about, like whether Strawberry Shortcake is or is not totally lame (she is), Piper and Sissy invent new games. Like this one:

“First one to touch the chair wins!”

“First one to touch Mom’s hair wins!”

“First one to touch Mom’s eyeball wins!”

“First one to touch my foot wins!”

“First one to touch the door wins!”

“First one to touch this piece of paper I’m holding wins!”

“First one to touch my elbow wins!”

“First one to touch the couch wins!”

“First one to touch me wins! Wait, I’m already touching me! I win!”

Clearly, I’m raising creative children, capable of entertaining themselves.  Or at the least, competitive touchers. One time they stood at the window of a furniture store arguing about who was going to get which couch and/or loveseat. They verbally tagged each piece as they debated whether cushions count as one choice or multiple claims.

As if the only barrier to them acquiring expensive sofas at a boutique store in Georgetown was dibs.

A very wise friend recently told me that she thinks some sibling rivalry is good.  If you don’t truly care about each other, then why care about the outcome? And if you have to learn hard lessons in life, like the unfairness of not being able to afford $1000 ottomans, isn’t it best to learn it from someone who loves you? If that’s true, then Piper and Sissy in the category of sibling rivalry are clearly overachievers.

Drunk Dialing or Something Like It

Kid tantrums while exhausted are the equivalent of love confessions while drunk.  You can’t believe either one.  Nobody takes them seriously.  Just listen and laugh.  And it’s good to always have a video camera handy.

Piper fell asleep in the car today and woke up in time to meet the new babysitter we were auditioning.  It wasn’t pretty.  Piper was disoriented and angry about the waking up part. Then there was a stranger at her door. The babysitter, however, was awesome.  She came with a stuffed bag of goodies like Mary Poppins.  She asked the girls all the right questions.  Piper took one look at the babysitter’s smile and threw herself on the ground crying. “Why do my parents always leave me alone?” she wailed. We haven’t had a date night in six months.  This was a one hour coffee break.  I peeled Piper off the floor, slung her over my shoulder, and took her to her room.  It’s okay to throw a fit in our house.  If you feel it, fine.  Just do it in your room behind closed doors. Through Piper’s door I could hear her add insult to injury, “That babysitter doesn’t even look like an adult!”  True.  She did look young, but she came highly recommended and we’re a little desperate around here. Piper’s fit ended as quickly as it began.  She swung her bedroom door open and grabbed the babysitter’s hand. We didn’t even get a good-bye wave.

An hour later when we returned Piper declared the new babysitter her best friend.  “Why do my parents always ruin my fun?” she complained loudly as we came in the door.  Clearly, we’d arrived just in time for bed.

Here’s a logging of complaints following a tantrum due to her father’s clearly unreasonable insistence on brushing her hair.  Be sure to watch until the end so you can see Piper’s version of perfectly coiffed hair.

Can You Repeat That?

This morning Piper and I made blueberry muffins. She likes to “help” by measuring and mixing the dry ingredients and tossing in the fresh blueberries.  But when I start melting butter, Piper runs from the room.  “It smells like snot! It looks like it, too.” She’s a classy girl, I tell you.  And who doesn’t love melted butter?  Come on.  It’s liquid gold.

After breakfast muffins, Sissy was dressing her American Girl in a new ice skating costume her grandmother sent. Apparently ice skating is big in pretend overpriced doll world.  The outfit is adorable, though, and it has all the right accessories:

Piper grabbed the ear muffs and put them on the doll.  “That’s better, isn’t?” she asked. “You were cold.  Now you’ll be toasty in your ear muffins!”  Yummy.

The problem with one of Piper’s verbal mishaps is that we spend the rest of the day egging her on.  We find any reason possible to get her to say the cute thing she just said again. The days of little Piper are numbered.  We’re holding on tight.

Piper’s papa once relabeled all the lemonade in the fridge with a black marker “lemolade” because Piper declared it so. You weren’t allowed to call it anything else.  We still don’t.

Ear muffins and lemolade become part of our vernacular until I can’t remember what we said before Piper changed our lives and our language. We’re better for it. Or at least more entertaining.

Here are more words you didn’t know you needed.

Superglue to the Rescue

Does this look like a place Piper should be playing?

Is it the steep, winding stairs or the potential to plunge to one’s death that attracts Piper? Probably both. How about this?  Does she need to do this?

Why can’t we just visit her sister’s classroom without Piper climbing into a hallway locker? Because she’s Piper.  She’s a risk taker. A brave and crazy soul sent here to test my sanity. She spends most of her day inventing ways to hurt herself.  I spend most of my day keeping her alive.  I’ve lost count of the number of black eyes she’s had.  She’s so banged up and bruised most of the time people give me funny looks in public. I’d have more pictures but I’m busy catching her.  I’d like to stuff her in a little bubble but I know she’d figure out a way to escape or to burst the whole thing.

Rather than running her to the ER for stitches once a week, I bought this:

Now I just superglue her boo boos.  I keep some extra in the car for on-the-go death plunges. But I still have to ask.  As if it’s going to help me much.

“Piper, why do you hurt yourself? Can’t you try to be a little more careful?”

“Well, you see, there’s lots of things in the world and I like lots of space so I can twirl around.” She danced straight into a wall to demonstrate. “And one more thing. I’m little. And I think stuff jumps out at me.”

Soulmates

Piper met her soulmate a few days after her first birthday.  His name is Augie.

They picked each other out in the toddler room at the university daycare.  Piper knew immediately that he was something special.  Augie has one of those full bellied old man laughs. What more could a girl want? Piper then called every other boy she met “Audie” for a full two years. She really just hoped they’d all be him. Augie’s parents had to bribe him to go to daycare every day with a game they called “What is Piper wearing today?” It probably wasn’t that hard to guess since Piper really only wears the tutu or the rainbow dress, but it was enough to get Augie out the door and reunited with Piper.

Watching your kids make friends is a bonus I didn’t anticipate about parenting.  It feels good when someone likes them.  It’s a gut punch when they don’t. Your kids pick these other people to bring into your little world. It’s a risk. Piper brought us an Augie. We fell in love, too.

Piper is Augie’s personal laxative. He laughs so hard when they are together he…well, you know.  Every single play date. Every outing. Every time. Sometimes he has to come visit just for the cleanse.

When Piper and Augie are together, the rest of us disappear:

Their first official date was to the Longbranch Coffeehouse for Augie’s third birthday. He had his parents drive over in the Subaru to pick her up.  Piper was waiting by the door in the rainbow dress. At dinner, Augie had his standard back beans and rice. Piper ordered the quesidillas and a round of apple juice. She gave him a Mr. Potato Head for his present. Friends know what you like.

We don’t live in the same town as Augie anymore, but they send video messages to each other and say things like “I miss you. You’re my best friend. I need to see you soon.  I love you. I love you. I love you.” When Augie and his family recently visited us, Piper couldn’t sleep because of the anticipation. She waited by the door like a puppy, running back and forth watching the sidewalk for a glimpse of his blond head. After three days of giggling, Augie was empty (see above note regarding laxatives) and Piper was all filled up with love. Saying good-bye got a little rough.

How can you resist your soul mate?  You can’t.  The force is too strong. Even when you meet them before you can walk.

The other day Piper asked, “When Augie and I get married can we live with you guys?”  Of course you can.  I have videos of them bathing together I can’t wait to show their adult selves. Soulmates are forever.

The Stink Eye

Perhaps the only thing easy about parenting a Piper is that you never have to wonder how she feels.  Most of the time, Piper is joyous.  She bounces about leaping from room to room. She laughs at herself and goes to great lengths to amuse us. She cuddles constantly. She did wait almost two full years to say a word, yet she still managed to get her needs met.  Although she learned sign language, her most effective means of communication was of the nonverbal variety.  If baby Piper didn’t like your answer, you got the stink eye:

It hurt.  The stink eye could burn right through your heart. Ouch.

These days, of course, Piper is all talk all the time.  But if almost big girl Piper doesn’t like your answer, you still get…

…the stink eye. At least she’s consistent.

To the Beat of Her Own Drum

Piper took a piano lesson last year. Really. Just one.  We have an actual live piano taking up half of our living room, so bribing Piper into lessons seemed logical.  Her sister has been taking for years and fills our house with melodies. I wanted Piper to learn, too. She looks like a natural, doesn’t she? (Note the rainbow dress, once again)

I romantically imagined thirty whole minutes alone with each kid while the other took lessons.  Okay, maybe I was hoping for an hour of reading in the car while parked in the piano teacher’s driveway but anyway…Piper didn’t want to go.  Until she realized that the piano teacher had a dog in the house. For many kids this would be a deal breaker, but Piper has always been unreasonably obsessed with dogs. The bigger, the scarier, the better. She thinks barking and growling is cute. To get her to take piano, I did what any well-intentioned mom would do.  I bribed her.  3 minutes with Fluffy in exchange for 30 minutes at the piano.  I know. I know.  But I thought if I could just get her to try, she’d fall for the piano.  I believed I could manufacture motivation and increase her desire through exposure.  I can hear you snickering at me from afar.

The first lesson actually went okay, but Piper refused to practice afterwards.  Not even for M & Ms. Not even with the promise of more dog love. “I already learned how to play, Mom!  Remember? I took a lesson.”  I reminded Piper that her Sissy takes lessons every week and that she learns something new at each lesson.  Piper ignored me and pounded away on the keys playing piano her own way.  She refused to go back.  I pushed harder.  Bribed more.  Failed.  I kept hearing my grandmother’s voice in the back of my head reminding me that my job as their mother is to help make them the best them they can be not the best me I want them to be. But Grandma hadn’t bought that expensive piano in the living room.  And what if Piper just needed a little encouragement to discover her inner virtuoso? So I gave her a choice.  “What instrument would you like to play?”

“Violin!” she declared pulling a harmonica from the toy box.

“That’s not a violen, honey. It’s a harmonica.”

“Alright, then.  The drums.  I want to be a drummer.  I love to hit stuff!” Then she flew through the house demonstrating her drumming technique on every piece of furniture and person.