Letter to a Commenter

Piper’s playmate, funny guy John Clark, is sharing his private letters with the world, including this letter he wrote to Piper’s Daddy. Piper adores John Clark because he’s very, very tall and he married a poet. Who does that? Read on to find out!

The Private Letters of John W. Clark

Dear Joe Young, the Commenter Who Keeps Asking for a Personalized Letter:

I’m only writing this to put an end to the calls, the letters, and the banners-trailing-planes, although the last one—“Write me or the pilot gets it”—was kind of clever, if alarming.

But the gifts need to stop, seriously. I don’t need Montreal Expos season tickets. I don’t have any use for a Thermos full of uranium. And the Chris Brown-gram (where Chris Brown broke into my apartment, sang a song, and punched me in the face) was really upsetting.

On second thought, this letter is a bad idea.

I can’t establish a precedent where readers can bribe, cajole, or punch me into writing them a letter, no matter how many times they tell PETA that I’m running a cat slaughterhouse in my second bedroom (the protestors are demanding to use our restroom, by the way).

So I’m going…

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