The problem with piperism is its intoxicating power. She knows she almost has 30,000 hits. It’s gone to her head. It’s given the Piper a kind of swag previously unseen. If you were in Whole Foods today and you saw a haggard mom and an adorable little blond girl dressed in her crushed velvet emerald green holiday dress (I probably don’t need to explain Piper’s fashion choices at this point, dear reader), you probably witnessed the true corruption of a power like piperism. She knows we find her funny. She can make strangers in the aisle bust a gut. No one can keep a straight face in her presence. It all just encourages her more. Here’s a run down, aisle by aisle, of Piper’s abuse of power.

Fruit and Vegetables: “Mom, those apples look like your boobs!”

Bread Aisle: “Want me to sing the naked song Dad sings every night at bathtime?”

Frozen Foods: “Ice cream! Let’s get ALL of it.”

Dairy: “Jingle bells. Batman smells. Robin laid an egg…”

Canned Foods: “Come on, Mom. You don’t need sauce in a jar. You cook just fine.”

Grains: “Ooh. Let’s get some of that whole wheat pasta that helps me poop.”

You get the idea. She’s completely inappropriate. I have no power against it.

I beg you to stop encouraging her. It’s the only way to bring down the dictator.